holidaze

I dislike New Years almost as much as I dislike Halloween.

Not to say that I don't love getting dressed up to the nine's and drinking like I'm still a sophomore, but to me, the holidays are usually like bad sex with a hot guy. So much potential, so much hype, and yet they never deliver.

Of course, this year's Halloween was one of the worst, compounded by the fact that the night before I had rounds until 4:30 am. So, on Halloween, after I dressed up as Disco Barbie in amazing ultra-shiny I heart the 80s esque hot pink leggings I had discovered in costumes, and had taken a few shots, I ended up in tears outside the party holding my corona like it was my first born as a giant gay Australian man dressed as Lady Gaga from the VMAs (complete with the fake blood) gave me a pep talk on life and boys and whatever else as he chain smoked in my face.

So fast forward - here we are at the start of a new year. Most of the time, I'm excited for it. This year, not so much. I don't want to think about where I'm going to be when I graduate, or where everyone else is going to be, or how I'm going to pay for anything, or how disappointed I'm going to be in myself if I have to move back home, or how ridiculous I'll feel if I graduate with honors and still can't get a job, or.... etc. The future is why I tend to drink, not the past.

It is also a weird New Years because its transition time, and I'm not good with transitions. My friends who I've known forever are making new friends and making new lives for themselves and coming home just puts me in that 4th wheel position you hate to be in. Its also weird to think that this new years might be the last for me in good ol' Portsmouth. I love it here - I've known it for so long, but I just know that I won't be back for awhile once I get there. Wherever there is.

Do you ever feel that way? That everything around you is just holding you back from something and you have to let it go? That no matter how much you love people, or a place, it is never going to be yours?

I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe its the holiday mimosa's talking. But its the feeling I keep getting, whenever I'm home, and it only gets stronger.

Letting go is painful. New beginnings are hard. And 2010 is going to be much harder than 2009, I can assure myself of that.

And as I sit here, watching a beautiful wintery snow fall on the ground, I find myself thinking, "Damn, if it falls any faster there goes any plans of seeing the fireworks downtown because Lord knows my car isn't made for that" but also, "Man, I wish I could balance my life like snow - be chaotic and peaceful simultaneously...."

Maybe this year will be as unpredictable and as beautiful as a snow fall. Maybe, even though the difficult and unexpected might happen, there will still be something wonderful to enjoy. Maybe new places won't be so bad.

So here's to a new year - raise your glass and know that, although your new years eve might not be all you want it to (especially if Mum keeps serving Uncle Jack mimosa's), the year will surely be more than you ever expected.

Molly learns a lesson.

You can never give your honest opinion. People don't actually want it.

(So what are you supposed to do - lie?)

stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.
I'm stuck somewhere, but I don't know where that is.
and I hate this feeling. Being stuck.
Because I'm a mover. I'm always in motion. I'm planning to go somewhere.
But I can't.

So why am I stuck like this? What is keeping me from moving?
Is it my emotions, spirituality?
my education? my future? my fears?
what keeps you in place when you want to move forward?

I want to hold you in my arms

"I want to love you when you burn the toast and when you're shoes are awful and when you say the wrong things... I want to love you so much the we know and all the omniscient things of heaven know too.. let's love each other absolutely."

I love this line. (Jean, from Dead Man's Cell Phone)
Each night I get excited for it, when all the other character's are gone, and Jean knows exactly what she wants, and she looks into Dwight's eyes and says this.
I want to be Jean. I want to be Dwight.

Love is so elusive, sometimes. Or at least, it seems that way, until you realize love is everywhere and you've only to open your heart to it. But there are so many obstacles, so many problems before and after.

I want to be in love forever.

Most people, they don't think that's possible, so they don't look for it. They settle. They settle with their friends and their boyfriends and their marriages... I don't want to settle. And I don't want someone else settling for me.

But really, how can you be in love forever with someone who doesn't believe its possible?

I look for love. Or rather, I look for affection. I know it's not love, but it's comforting in the moment. A hug here, a kiss there. Something that passes the moment where I realize that I don't have what I want and I don't know how or where to get it.

I want to love someone absolutely.

And how are you supposed to find love when its all about sex, anyway? How do you know when someone cares deeply, from their heart, instead of somewhere else?

I want to love when the dishes are dirty. I want to love when I'm angry. I want to be loved by someone who looks at me and sees all my best and all my worst and sees love.

Where can I find that?

write me life

I need you to write me something...

You said you can write poetry
and I'm not good with words
words don't have meaning
unless you give it to them, right?

so write me something that I can give meaning to

write me something
about friendship
about insecurity
about the love you find and the love you can never have
about abandonment and loneliness
heartbreak and sorrow
tell me all the wonderfully terrible things there are in the world
and make them beautiful.

write to me about someone...
someone who doesn't have it all together
who doesn't have a plan
but plans it anyway
what happens to her?

write to me about someone...
someone who wants to make the most of every day
who means well
who is trampled...
what happens to him?

they're just words
but I want to read something real
from what you write
so craft it well

write me life.

I do..... not!

While becoming a newspaper and internet news connoisseur (through my time at the NEA), I've noticed a disturbing trend... infidelity.
Check out these two articles in Time Magazine (the second is here: Time).
What do you make of it?
As for me, it makes me really sad. And scared. It doesn't only scare me that the idea of a family that stays together is becoming obsolete, but that people's ideas of marriage are solely based around their kids, and not on their relationship with each other.
The goal of marriage is not children. Yes, it may be an outcome, but people don't get married so they can have babies. We all know where babies come from anyway.
Marriage is supposed to be a way you publicly commit to another person - you're best friend, partner, whatever you want to call it - and a ritual that affirms the relationship between the two of you.
I think people are taking this kind of commitment way too lightly. On top of that, they are starting families without having a relationship strong enough to support them.
Of course, I do not have the actual experience to comment - but I've seen bad and good marriages in my family. A good marriage is hard work, but its work that is worth it. Commitment is hard work, but if you truly love someone then its a logical step.
And yeah, someday I think I'd like to wear a white dress and walk down an aisle of some sort and there'll be music, I suppose, but I don't want to go into it with someone that thinks it's something that can be lightly broken.
I'm gonna have to think about this more...this whole infidelity thing in our culture...

cave woman

So, last night, I got some advice through a cousin about boys. Actually, the advice was from Kate but passed along through Deb to me when we were having a discussion about how, if you have a long distance phone and email based relationship you (as the girl) usually end up becoming way more emotionally involved because dudes (those with penis's) don't work like that for whatever reason (the penis) and so on and so forth etc, and Deb imparted to me some great words from Kate, who described the successful practice of finding a man like this:
"Find the unsuspecting ones. Club them and then bring them back to your lair."
Now, this may seem a little un-progressive and yes, definitely evokes a caveman image, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to like it.
And I know we're in this age of feminism and the dominant woman and the like - and so the power struggle between you (the one with feelings) and he (the other one) has simultaneously elevated into a mega clash of the titans while also descending into the depths of sexual and moral scrutiny by throwing off old-fashioned pretenses about "courting" and instead embracing a more "anything goes" mantra which, in my opinion, actually leaves the woman still underhanded, probably even more so because there's no dowry leverage in there.
Mouthful?
Yes.
But this, dare I say, cave-woman approach to love offered by my cousin Kate (who, after a slew of relationships is now happily married and just had her first child! Trey!) is the smartest and simplest advice I have yet to receive. It's exactly what, I think, a man would understand. It's a powerful image, devoid of emotion, that retains a certain logic of circumstance. Find him. Club him over the head. Bring him back. Now he's yours.
Of course, one must always remember on top of this, that you are planning this event in secret. Because, as everyone knows, if you let a guy know you're interested too early, he may lose interest. There's no chase; no fight. This poor hairy caveman was probably hunting saber-tooth tiger without a thought when intelligent, beautiful, strong hairy cave-woman snuck up on him, smashed the back of his skull and proceeded to drag him to her cave and inform him, when he awoke (with slight amnesia), that he needed to bring back dinner tonight.
I'd like to see how this plays out in our modern economy of love. And it is an economy, mind you, because the give-and-take between men and women is just as, if not more important, than its always been. Emotionally, physically, financially - we're all playing the game to find that perfect match.
But I'd like to see if its possible to simplify the process, as Kate implies. I mean, I obviously can't go around clubbing CEO's (or George Clooney) and dragging them back to my dorm room and making them think we got married in Vegas. I'm sure its illegal.
But I'd like to have the strength and smarts of a cave-woman - to know what I want and how to get it, whether its love or not.

house cleaning

I'm in a bad mood, cuz I'm sick, so I need to get a few things off my chest...

1) How NOT EXCITED I am for school to start so freakin early with RA training which means I only have 2 weeks at home. Yes its my damn fault for taking an internship, I know, but do we really have to be there two weeks early? really??
2) How NOT EXCITED I am to see certain people and be thrown in awkward situations that I really just don't want to deal with because there is enough goin on in the world already and I'd like to skip all that, thankyouverymuch.
3) How NOT EXCITED I am to drive all the way down with no a/c.
4) How stupidly frustrating I am getting over a situation that does not even demand frustration, or even thought at all, since I know its not going to turn out any way I expect it or want it to. Which leads to..
5) How much I hate being emotional, emotionally attached, and, in general, a girl.
and 6) I hate transcribing things.

k. cool.

not anymore - letoya luckett

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15f4Fc72mNM

and I really feel like I'm losing my best friend

it looks as though, you're letting go

College has been a whirlwind of things. You meet people. You make friends. You lose people - to death, or transfers, or even... just because.
And I think its the last thing that hurts the most.
It hurts to lose someone because... you just lose them. And there is not alot you can really do to get them back. It hurts especially when they were one of your closest friends, and then... whatever happened, they just fell away.

There is a lot of hurt I hold towards you - from the things you said and the way you acted. But I'm trying to forgive. And you? You just don't even try. I feel like I'm the only one who ever tries. And honestly, it hurts me to say this, but why should I waste my time?

??????

I've always been a goal-oriented person. I set goals - I either meet them or I don't - and thats the way it goes. But, they've always been rather short term. Minus the "travel the world" goal and the "write a novel" goal. Other than that, its been a sort of step by step process.
And now, I'm getting to the big step. The step at the top of the stairs, maybe. The step that finally gets you to the floor.
One. more. year.
And what do I want to do, you ask? Um.. well... Honestly? I don't know. I'd like a job, that'd be nice. And a place to live. I'd like to live near family or friends. But that has even widened in definition since I'm up and down the east coast so much. I'd like to make enough money to survive. I'd like to fall in love.
While they're all very good aspirations, they are all very vague. An enduring fault of mine. Which is also why I have yet to come up with a thesis topic and why I'll probably just be taking comps. Indecisive-ness is killer.
I've fulfilled my two main college goals - study abroad and get an internship in DC - and now... well, now I don't really know whats next. I don't really know what I want next. And I feel like so many of my friends do. Jenna will be a teacher. Samantha is getting married. Whitley, Sam, and Mary want to go to graduate school. Nikki wants to move back overseas.
And me?
Well...
I'm not sure.
And I really wish I was.

fading much more swiftly now

It sucks to feel like you're not needed anymore.
I think thats one of the hardest things about life, for me anyways. People grow older and move on, and they don't seem to find your friendship, or whatever it was, as important as they used to. And so, they drop it, or forget it and neglect it until nothing is really left.
There are always those people that you will stay friends with for life - maybe not the best of friends, but if they called you and said "I need you to be here now," you'd do whatever it took to get there.
But it still sucks, to feel that connection fade.

my own worst enemy

Some people like to make things more complicated than they actually are. I am one of those people. Some people do not like to settle for the truth in front of them. I am also one of those people. Some people like to whine about their problems, which continue to be the same since they refuse to accept the truth and make things complicated.
In all of my whining and soul searching and trying-to-figure-out-exactly-what-that-conversation-could-mean rants, I've discovered over and over again that Occam's Razor is right: the simplest explanation is most commonly the correct one.
Usually these things become clear after certain intense moments of confusion and doubt where I struggle to get a solid thought in edgewise as my brain and heart spin out of control. Usually, during these times, I make bad decisions.
I wish I could be one of those people who could see the truth and accept it on principle. So many times, I don't want to do that. I want to change it. I want to change me. I want to change someone else. I think things would be a lot less harder if I was capable of looking at the hard answer, the simple answer, the true answer, and living by it.

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.
- Winston Churchill

Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.

change begets change

So, yesterday I drove about 8 hours with a ghetto plug-in fan as an a/c replacement. Not the coldest, I'll tell ya. This morning, after waking up again after waking up at 6:30 am because I thought it was 10 am because it was so bright out, I finally got on the road again only to discover that D&D had not put cream cheese on my bagel and, when eating my granola bar instead, chunks of granola fell down my cleavage, which I would discover later when I finally took a shower....

All that to say, it is so good to be home! Its only for a short while, but I plan on enjoying every minute of it! I got some quality RC time last night and hopefully I'll get to see a little bit of everyone before I leave.

I'm a little nervous, about everything, to say the least. Home is always different than I expect; I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be away from it for so long. Everything seems to point to this internship though - considering I was rejected from everything else I applied to - no joke! And its always been my dream to be in DC... I guess it is true - be careful what you wish for.

I feel like I'm no good at dealing with change, and yet I'm a person of almost constant motion. It really freaks me out when I see other people changing. RC is graduating a year early and moving to Dover, my little brother is going to college, Samantha is engaged... people's lives seem to be going in so many different directions it makes me dizzy. I wish I knew what direction I was going in, but most times I throw caution to the wind and let life hit me with it. I don't know what I want to do, specifically - I only know who I want to be.

I love being home and seeing more people I love being with. I also hate coming back to places where there are leftovers. I had enough of that in maryland and now its here.
I debate with myself about whether I move alot to run away, or if I am just a naturally restless person. I think it is a little of both. In the past, my insecurity caused me to run, it was the only way I could deal with things. Now, I just think I haven't found what I'm looking for, to quote U2. I don't know if a place will make me settle down; I believe it will be a person.

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
There's a part of me in chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot
Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet-tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
Change of heart comes slow..

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Divination that will listen to your boys and girls
Is the sweetest melody the one we haven't heard?
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear
But change of heart comes slow...

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
You see for me I've been shoutin
But we're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Ha, ha, haIt's not a hill it's a mountain
You see for me I've been shouting
Let's shout until the darkness, squeeze out sparks of light
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy, if we don't go crazy tonight

she dreams in color, she dreams in broken sentences

running.
fast.
running.
there were wolves.
no.
I am the wolf.
or am I all of them?
no.
just one.
me.
running.
running away.
something is following so
no more thinking
just urgency
and running.
trees, bushes, leaves,
leaves on the ground -
could I hide there?
hide till things passed by... -
no time, keep going.
what is chasing me?
no time, keep running.
feel the distance, maybe I
can make it but
up ahead - a fence!
stuck.
where to hide?
turn around.
the others are not fast enough.
they are caught.
what will I do?
panic. search. hole.
hole!
crawl inside.

I hear the foosteps. barely breathing.
no sound here.
will they find me?

wake up.

21

some days go by, i wish i was famous
or maybe religious, so i could go to heaven
just like you
i can have a big house, complain about taxes
payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
no one makes fun of me, cause i can't stand up for myself

whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
guess today's gonna blow us away

i've got a girlfriend
she tells me she needs me
and she loves me
we'll probably get married
oh no, and everyone will bit their tongues so hard they'll bleed

when mom hears this song
she'll tell me im crazy
and she'll say to me
"son you're much too young, go have some fun don't waste your youth like i did"

and whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away

and it's been autumn since the day that i met you
if i had bottomed must i crawl out alone
and i dont wish to know the secrets of summer at all

and whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to fuck this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away

jazz&sex&money

(prompt: write a poem like Allen Ginsberg OR write about bebop jazz. I choice to combine the two.)

Jazz and Sex and Money

be BOP be BOP be BOP
do ba doo wah
saxophones and cigarettes on
the street corner; cocaine in
the bedroom against the
sounds of drums,

the new generation
doo da dat datt ting!
jazz and sex and money
sometimes you have one, but sometimes
you have all 3
BOP BOP ah doo wah
we new artists have a new style
unpredictability
what is old is gone and what is
now
won't be forever
but it's now we are forever in
rat a tat tat doo de dum dum
a joint and a dollar will get me
through the evening
end up fucked in a taxi cab
and all things will make sense.
do be doo wah BOP

fml

Today, one of my thesis advisors told me, essentially, that my topic was crap and I should consider getting a new advisor. fml.

fear & opportunity

So... I did it! I actually got it! An internship, I mean. The thing that I told myself would actually make me feel like a college student who is going to graduate and then make it in life. And I do feel like that. I'm FREAKING OUT actually. And I have a grant so I won't have to work otherwise (yay!).
I'm working at the National Endowment for the Arts in their communications office from the end of may until the end of july. Pretty crazy. And I'm super stoked! I mean, its the mother of all non profit arts organizations in the US so thats pretty freakin awesome for someone who wants to get into that world (aka me).
I'm also, now that everything is final, doing the thing where I get INCREDIBLY SCARED about how things will be. It will be my first summer away from home. I guess I am away from home most of the time, since I technically live in Maryland at school, but this will be my first long vacation away. Its weird I guess. I knew this would have to happen someday - I'd have to grow up. And part of me is really excited to do that, and the other part is very nervous about it. Am I going to miss my family too much? Am I going to be happy? What about seeing my friends? I keep experiencing these weird ups and downs because of it.
I knew - in a weird way, I knew - when I read about the internship on our college website, that it would be the perfect fit for me. The lady who contacted the school is actually an alumni, so I'm assuming she put in a good word. I got the email in February, but I didn't do anything about it until early April, when I was getting desperate. I didn't do anything about it because I was scared to apply and possibly get in, and then be so far away from everything.
I'm extremely scared about many things as a person, but one of the biggest ones is growing up. Not becoming mature (in a sense, I already have alot of that) but becoming self-sufficient. It goes back to my overwhelming fear and hatred of failure, and living/breathing/working on my own requires alot, and I'm afraid I won't be good at it. I won't be able to handle it. I'll fail.
It seems silly, really, to be afraid of such a thing. But I truly am.

right between the ribs, you'll feel it then

and when you finally realize
that I'm the best thing you'll never have
you call me back...

So here's whats happened in the past 24+ hours. I've officially lost my voice. I feel very awful because I'm sick but also, on top of that, because its "that time of the month." I got offered an internship at the National Endowment for the Arts in DC (yay!) but I have to hear from SJF about a grant in order to do it (boo!). Also, I have to decide if it is really the right choice. And, if the place in provincetown doesn't call back, then I really think it is. I'm afraid of going forward I think, and thats what holds me back in alot of areas. Because I know that I'll miss my friends and miss my family and I'll have to be away from them - but I also know that an internship in DC has been one of my dreams from the start and I shouldn't throw it away just because I'm scared. It could lead to a job in Boston, no? And then I would be home!
Oh, and the icing on the cake just had to be when a certain someone texted me "I think we should talk." Um. Why? I think that was my biggest question. But oh - we talked! And by that I mean, he called and "apologized" and went on to justify all his actions and all I could say was "um" or "ok" or "really, why are we having this conversation?" Probably the stupidest 15 minutes of my life. I felt like I was supposed to say "No, its ok.. don't worry, you did the right thing. I still think you're a good person." But all I could say was, "No, I don't want to be friends. You hurt me. Thats how things happen sometimes. Is that all?" Oh. My. Goodness.
So anyways, I think my non-voice and I will take a day off from talking - out of necessity, really - and enjoy the silence.

Liar, liar
You're such a great big liar
With the tallest tales that I have ever heard
Fire, fire
You set my soul on fire
Laughing in the corner as it burns
Right between the ribs is sinking in

Oh, the sirens sing so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

Sick and tired of this mad desire
Fluttering aside me like a hawk
Wire wire
Got my hands on wires
Will heaven help you when I get them out?

Right between the ribs
You'll feel it then

The sirens sang so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

All the ships go down
Following the sound
All the ships go down

Oh oh the siren sang so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh oh oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown

r-e-s-p-e-c-t

So, yesterday, I did what I normally tend to do since I'm really the Absent Minded Professor in disguise. Yes, thats right, I left something somewhere. Actually, it was my sketchbook with the painting I had sketched for my American Pictures class, along with my notebook for my Museum Studies class with all my reading notes that we have to turn in at the end of the semester. They are now the property of the Smithsonian Museum of American Art and Portraiture and are probably residing in the dumpster. C'est la vie. (Last year, I would have definitely been pissed. But this time I really didn't care. Its good to be in that mood sometimes...)
I spent Easter with my grandpa and my aunt (my dad's side of the family) and though the food was wonderful, I had forgotten what the conversation could be like. Let me start by saying this - if you can't make a logical argument and if you don't know anything about politics or the world at large don't even attempt to open your mouth. Also, if you are inept at sarcasm - stay quiet! They will eat you alive. Good thing this smiling face isn't always pure and innocent.
So anyways - they're talking, and I'm trying to contribute. But the thing is - I forgot this (and since I dont' see them very often, I tend to forget it) - I don't think that they think of me as very intelligent. Sure, I'm smart. But I'm artsy fartsy and full of emotions and really more of my mother's daughter anyway, minus the fact that I look exactly like my grandma (may she rest in peace). And it really frustrates me because, well, I am smart. And quite able to take part in "adult" conversation. Really.
I guess its a problem I have with alot of people. They don't seem to take me seriously. I mean, they say they do. But their actions tell me they really don't. My boyfriends have never taken me seriously, I'm sure some of my friends don't take me seriously, sometimes I think my own parents don't take me seriously. I'm sure my advisor, Dr. Gillin, really thinks I'm a kook. Although he wrote me an amazing recommendation letter so maybe he knows otherwise.
Maybe it annoys me because I feel like I have never earned my grandpa or my aunt's respect. I mean, I know they love me - they're family that way - but I'm not sure if they really respect who I am. And its frustrating when someone that close to you doesn't even know you who are.
At any rate, its Easter evening and, thanks for family, I will overdose on chocolate rabbit.

i got love for etta james

So you told all the boys that you were gonna take me out

Ya even ya even had the nerve to make a bet a yes you did
That I, I would give in all of my love you would win
But you haven't, you haven't won it yet
You took me for a pushover
Oh you thought I was a push over
Wo I'm not a push over
You thought my love was easy to get

All of the girls think you're fine
They even call ya Romeo
Ya got 'em, yeah you got 'em runnin' to and fro
Yes ya have
But I don't want a one night thrill
I want a love that's for real
And I can tell by your line, your's is not the lasting kind

You took me for a push over
Oh you thought I was a push over
Whoa I'm not a push over
You thought that you could change my mind
your temptin' lips (m m hm) your way hair (oh yeah)
your pretty eyes with that (ahhhhhhh) come hither stare
It makes me weak and I, I start to bend
and then I stop and think again
no (no), no (no), no don't let yourself go

I hate to spoil your reputation
I want true love not an imitation
And I'm hip to every word in your conversation

Who took me for a -- push over
Whoa I'm not a -- push over
Whoa you thought I was a -- push over
Whoa you can't (push me over)
Nobody is gonna (push me over)
Oh you're not man enough to (push me over)
(fade) Everybody thought you was gonna (push me over)

lindsay

Sooo this week was definitely one of the longest weeks of my life. Between the hells of tech week, trying to figure out my thesis, a general feeling of exhaustion and the normal school routine, I can definitely say I'm glad its over.
Although, also, in a way, I'm not.
This play, Some Girl(s) by Neil Labute, has been one of the best shows I have ever been a part of, and one of my best in acting. And I was so nervous! I mean, I'm nervous anyway, but I really was nervous about this because everyone else in the show was absolutely amazing! Each person brought something special to their character, which made the whole stage light up! Both nights, the audience clapped at the end of every scene!
I got the biggest compliment, though, from one of my friends. She said, "It wasn't even you on stage! I mean... it was you, but not. Ya know?"
Yeah, I knew exactly what she meant. :-)

I have grown so much since sophomore year, the last time I was on stage. I used too much of myself back then. I was so insecure that it was the only way I could get in touch with a character, but it wasn't the best way, or the healthiest I'm sure. Now, I'm much more secure in who I am to know who I'm not. And this character definitely did not have much of me, but I was still able to become her - to see the world through her eyes, and respond and think as if I was her, not me.
But I still am me. I didn't lose anything in the process. In fact, I gained something. Alot of something. Alot of knowledge about the world, about relationships, about confidence. Just... alot.
If that makes any sense at all... then you've probably been awake for as many consecutive hours as I have!

character study

I was only twenty three when I started here... dissertation to finish, but still, twenty-three. Can you imagine?

I hate when I get to that point in a character... when I find out what I'm holding back, when I struggle to maintain energy and not slip into monotony with my lines or my actions. I hate coming to a place where, if I stopped, I know it would turn stale. The character would be as lifeless as the chair she sits upon. I hate coming to that place, because it scares me; it challenges me. It's a maze of thoughts and lines intertwined that become a maze which can either trap or benefit you. I hate coming to that place, because I'm scared I won't be strong enough to push through it. I'm scared that I look ridiculous, that everyone can see my lying self underneath the stage lights, that everyone can see what a phony I am - that instead of being two in one I am disconnected.

I hate coming to that place. But I love getting over it.

For you, I mean. I think you're the type of person who leaves a bunch of hurt in your boyish wake... all the time! I'll be hurt is your number one by-product.

I finally felt it today - I had passed through the maze. I've made it to a place where each line is a thought in words, and behind every line there is a thought unsaid that the audience can see. I can say the same lines over and over, but each time they will be different. I have come to the place where the character knows anything is possible - inflection, action, and silence, they are all free now. Unconstrained. Unencumbered by my insecurities. They belong solely to the character - her thoughts, her movements, her reasons. They are at once mine and yet, not at all.

It was your promise of a future. This big, bold future that you would whisper to me about, lying there with your eyes closed. That's what I was in love with. Tomorrow. All the tomorrow's that you kept offering me.

inspire me

Without obsession, life is nothing.

- John Waters

Ok, its true. Maybe I am a little obsessed with this man since meeting him was one of the coolest experiences of my life!!! But here's the deal - I've been in a rut, since I got home, I think. Ireland was amazing - and healing and passionate and absolutely everything that I needed to move forward. It was. Is. And I miss it. Everyday. And I haven't really felt the same here. I have a weird feeling of being more comfortable and yet knowing for certain I do not belong. I am not meant to stay in Maryland. Or at least, definitely not Chestertown. (Dear God - a city, please?)

I haven't really felt inspired, in a while. And that, for me, is a definite problem. I mean, I get by on sheer will alone, I really do, but its my inspiration that keeps me happy, that keeps me alive. Maybe I was a little distracted earlier. Oh no wait, I definitely was distracted. (By a boy, can you imagine? And, knowing my track record, we all know how well that one ended...)

But sometimes, I get frustrated. I work my ass off every day... for what? Where am I going with this? This whole college thing. I only pursue non profit work because I know I want to help people and I can't stand knowing people are suffering and not doing anything about it. I also know, if I was ever given the chance, you bet I'd want to make it to the big time. Be famous. Act in front of thousands and roll in the money. Because then I'd never have to worry about it again. I work my ass off every day. Some days, most days, I don't even understand what drives me. This overwhelming desire to "make it" and it what context that's coming from I don't know either.

I think much of it is selfish. I realized this, while listening to John Waters lecture on Cy Twombly's "Letter of Resignation"... It was brilliant, his lecture. I realized - thats what I want to be. Brilliant. I want to astonish people, make them think differently. I want to be known for something. And, in the selfish, green part of my heart, I want to make all of those people who selfishly hurt me see it... Success is the best revenge, they say.

And now, I may have an opportunity. All of my hard work may have opened the door to something amazing... something academic, something unpublished, something no one has legitmately seen before. And I have may have an opportunity to be a part of it...

I hope I'm not all selfish though. I don't feel like it. I don't think others would describe me that way. But sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough to help the world, or other people... or is that just my people-pleasing nature? Sometimes I can't tell.

But back to the point of the thing... Listening to John Waters lecture, and then meeting him afterwards and discovering that the cynical, bitter man is a persona and the witty, charming, smooth talking man is the real thing, I was inspired. Maybe I will be famous, maybe I won't. I'm not so sure if thats the thing that really matters... but I was inspired to be inspiring. I want what I do to mean something to somebody, to help somebody in any way. Is that selfish?

censorship

When it comes to the freedom of expression, I think friends can be your greatest assets or your worst critics. Especially when you write about real life... no one wants to read something that could possibly be about them. Its exposing, and it makes us vulnerable to our inner selves. I experience this when I read a script. A character will act a certain way, make a certain decision, and I can see them in myself. Its a weird feeling, finding your own flaws and quirks as you work to portray someone else. I used to be angry at this process; now I find its where I learn the most about myself.
The problem with writing is - other people read it. And if they don't like what they read... Well, then, who do you follow? Do you bow to everyone else and keep everything to yourself? Or do you take self-expression to its fullest, not caring what others think? There are positives and negatives to both, I think. This becomes a big problem with blogging, because anyone can find anything on the internet. You have to be prepared for people to comment on your e-diary, or however you think of it; on the flip side, they have to be prepared to read it. Knowing what other people think is a hard and scary thing tackle when its out there, in the open.
I guess, in the end, you have to say what you want to say, and hope that both sides can deal with it.

a little perspective never hurts

I believe we can pick and choose our memories, for the most part. Some naturally tend to stay with us, and some naturally are forgotten - but if you truly want to remember something (barring a mental disease) you can, and if you truly want to forget, you will.
A week and a half ago, yet another asshole-of-the-similar-type-that-I-unfortunately-keep-falling-for tried to break my heart.
Today, I met American icon, persona, and all around badass John Waters.
Which memory will I keep?
oh, decisions... ;-)

a tribute to nothing special

Dear Lover,

I wish, the world under covers
where I found you
could be the same you walk in daily.
(Is it so separated?)

And the sugar in your coffee will taste
just as sweet without me,
I know.

I wish, someday, for you to explain
how you explained all this away...

but for now,
you have your little bird, singing,
and I have my dignity to keep.

and your bird can sing

You tell me that you've got everything you want
And your bird can sing
But you don't get me, you don't get me

You say you've seen seven wonders and your bird is green
But you can't see me, you can't see me

When your prized possessions start to weigh you down
Look in my direction, I'll be round, I'll be round

When your bird is broken will it bring you down
You may be awoken, I'll be round, I'll be round

You tell me that you've heard every sound there is
And your bird can swing
But you can't hear me, you can't hear me

big girls don't cry

"So, you're just not that into me... is that it?"

He sighed, rolling onto his back. He was right, his love seat was comfortable, but I couldn't unravel myself from the protective ball I had curled into.

"Don't say that," he said. "Don't quote a chick flick.."

"Its a book," I corrected him. "A book written by a guy. And anyways, sometimes they're right, chick flicks."

"No," he replied, "They're never right. They just create an unrealistic world for women to believe in."
'
I think we forget most times that relationships have one of two endings - either they end in happily ever after, or they don't. There is no other option, not even if you're Hugh Hefner and marriage isn't your thing. People stay, or they leave. I think we tend to forget this because, 99% of the time, people leave, and we don't want to deal with them leaving, because it could mean many things:
Something is wrong with me; something is wrong with them; I'll never find someone; yada yada yada...

"I worry about you... you're fragile." He said softly.

For once, I stared straight back at him. Daring to stare him right in the eyes. "I know," I replied, "but I'm a fighter."

"I know." He murmured. We stayed silent for a few minutes. I couldn't tell you what he was thinking; I was concentrating on breathing.

"I could feel this," I began, "I thought I could feel it..ending, but I didn't want to believe it was true. I thought I was just being crazy, because I can be insecure like that. I almost called you... almost every day last week, I wanted to call up and tell you to never call me again and then I could end it. I wouldn't have to wait for this..." I took a breath.
"But then I remembered, I remembered Christmas. And how good it was. And I wanted to wait and see..." I looked up at him again."I was trying to be brave, I was trying to trust you..."

I wrote to my friend, my big brother, I guess you could say. His advice: Chill the Fuck Out. If he's not with you, he's not good enough for you anyway. And you're 20 - you should be having fun and flirting and making all the other guys jealous. Act aloof and they'll line up the block for you.
I don't know if he's right but, its something.

"Are you mad?" He asked.

I sighed. "Not now," I replied, "but I'm sure I will be. Tomorrow. For a few days, maybe longer."
I didn't tell him I had been preparing for this, so I was more ready than in the past.
"I won't be talking to you..."

"Ever?" He asked. I couldn't tell if he was hurt or hopeful.

"Not for a while, at least..." I replied. "And if you ever want to talk to me, you'll have to initiate it. I... don't look back, anymore. Second chances aren't my thing."

"Why?"

"Just as we are both not naive enough to believe we can be friends after this, I am not stupid enough to think that second chances are a saving grace. They may be, but I'm not offering. It has to be earned."

We stood awkwardly at his door. He gave my the classic - "I'll see you around." I was tempted to pull a Will Smith from Men in Black - put on my badass shades and say, "No, you won't." And walk out of his life forever.
But who knows what fortune brings?

"Well, if you're in town this summer, and we run into each other, maybe we can get coffee or something."

I smiled and chuckled wryly to myself. All your big talk and "maybe we can get coffee" is all you have. The bitter part of me screamed "Fuck NO! Bitch better miss you! Coffee is a stupid idea!"

"Yeah, maybe..." I replied.

I only cried for a minute, then I put on my big-girl pants and drove home, detouring by the beach, getting lost on back roads in the dark. L'amour, I sighed, ce n'est pas difficile... mais les gens sont difficiles.

Hey guys!

So, I've decided to revive the blog! Please feel free to check it out anytime :)

Oh, and those earlier posts are actually from this time last year. Weird huh?

I just left them up for kicks. I promise life will be more interesting soon ;)