inspire me

Without obsession, life is nothing.

- John Waters

Ok, its true. Maybe I am a little obsessed with this man since meeting him was one of the coolest experiences of my life!!! But here's the deal - I've been in a rut, since I got home, I think. Ireland was amazing - and healing and passionate and absolutely everything that I needed to move forward. It was. Is. And I miss it. Everyday. And I haven't really felt the same here. I have a weird feeling of being more comfortable and yet knowing for certain I do not belong. I am not meant to stay in Maryland. Or at least, definitely not Chestertown. (Dear God - a city, please?)

I haven't really felt inspired, in a while. And that, for me, is a definite problem. I mean, I get by on sheer will alone, I really do, but its my inspiration that keeps me happy, that keeps me alive. Maybe I was a little distracted earlier. Oh no wait, I definitely was distracted. (By a boy, can you imagine? And, knowing my track record, we all know how well that one ended...)

But sometimes, I get frustrated. I work my ass off every day... for what? Where am I going with this? This whole college thing. I only pursue non profit work because I know I want to help people and I can't stand knowing people are suffering and not doing anything about it. I also know, if I was ever given the chance, you bet I'd want to make it to the big time. Be famous. Act in front of thousands and roll in the money. Because then I'd never have to worry about it again. I work my ass off every day. Some days, most days, I don't even understand what drives me. This overwhelming desire to "make it" and it what context that's coming from I don't know either.

I think much of it is selfish. I realized this, while listening to John Waters lecture on Cy Twombly's "Letter of Resignation"... It was brilliant, his lecture. I realized - thats what I want to be. Brilliant. I want to astonish people, make them think differently. I want to be known for something. And, in the selfish, green part of my heart, I want to make all of those people who selfishly hurt me see it... Success is the best revenge, they say.

And now, I may have an opportunity. All of my hard work may have opened the door to something amazing... something academic, something unpublished, something no one has legitmately seen before. And I have may have an opportunity to be a part of it...

I hope I'm not all selfish though. I don't feel like it. I don't think others would describe me that way. But sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough to help the world, or other people... or is that just my people-pleasing nature? Sometimes I can't tell.

But back to the point of the thing... Listening to John Waters lecture, and then meeting him afterwards and discovering that the cynical, bitter man is a persona and the witty, charming, smooth talking man is the real thing, I was inspired. Maybe I will be famous, maybe I won't. I'm not so sure if thats the thing that really matters... but I was inspired to be inspiring. I want what I do to mean something to somebody, to help somebody in any way. Is that selfish?