big girls don't cry

"So, you're just not that into me... is that it?"

He sighed, rolling onto his back. He was right, his love seat was comfortable, but I couldn't unravel myself from the protective ball I had curled into.

"Don't say that," he said. "Don't quote a chick flick.."

"Its a book," I corrected him. "A book written by a guy. And anyways, sometimes they're right, chick flicks."

"No," he replied, "They're never right. They just create an unrealistic world for women to believe in."
'
I think we forget most times that relationships have one of two endings - either they end in happily ever after, or they don't. There is no other option, not even if you're Hugh Hefner and marriage isn't your thing. People stay, or they leave. I think we tend to forget this because, 99% of the time, people leave, and we don't want to deal with them leaving, because it could mean many things:
Something is wrong with me; something is wrong with them; I'll never find someone; yada yada yada...

"I worry about you... you're fragile." He said softly.

For once, I stared straight back at him. Daring to stare him right in the eyes. "I know," I replied, "but I'm a fighter."

"I know." He murmured. We stayed silent for a few minutes. I couldn't tell you what he was thinking; I was concentrating on breathing.

"I could feel this," I began, "I thought I could feel it..ending, but I didn't want to believe it was true. I thought I was just being crazy, because I can be insecure like that. I almost called you... almost every day last week, I wanted to call up and tell you to never call me again and then I could end it. I wouldn't have to wait for this..." I took a breath.
"But then I remembered, I remembered Christmas. And how good it was. And I wanted to wait and see..." I looked up at him again."I was trying to be brave, I was trying to trust you..."

I wrote to my friend, my big brother, I guess you could say. His advice: Chill the Fuck Out. If he's not with you, he's not good enough for you anyway. And you're 20 - you should be having fun and flirting and making all the other guys jealous. Act aloof and they'll line up the block for you.
I don't know if he's right but, its something.

"Are you mad?" He asked.

I sighed. "Not now," I replied, "but I'm sure I will be. Tomorrow. For a few days, maybe longer."
I didn't tell him I had been preparing for this, so I was more ready than in the past.
"I won't be talking to you..."

"Ever?" He asked. I couldn't tell if he was hurt or hopeful.

"Not for a while, at least..." I replied. "And if you ever want to talk to me, you'll have to initiate it. I... don't look back, anymore. Second chances aren't my thing."

"Why?"

"Just as we are both not naive enough to believe we can be friends after this, I am not stupid enough to think that second chances are a saving grace. They may be, but I'm not offering. It has to be earned."

We stood awkwardly at his door. He gave my the classic - "I'll see you around." I was tempted to pull a Will Smith from Men in Black - put on my badass shades and say, "No, you won't." And walk out of his life forever.
But who knows what fortune brings?

"Well, if you're in town this summer, and we run into each other, maybe we can get coffee or something."

I smiled and chuckled wryly to myself. All your big talk and "maybe we can get coffee" is all you have. The bitter part of me screamed "Fuck NO! Bitch better miss you! Coffee is a stupid idea!"

"Yeah, maybe..." I replied.

I only cried for a minute, then I put on my big-girl pants and drove home, detouring by the beach, getting lost on back roads in the dark. L'amour, I sighed, ce n'est pas difficile... mais les gens sont difficiles.