jazz&sex&money

(prompt: write a poem like Allen Ginsberg OR write about bebop jazz. I choice to combine the two.)

Jazz and Sex and Money

be BOP be BOP be BOP
do ba doo wah
saxophones and cigarettes on
the street corner; cocaine in
the bedroom against the
sounds of drums,

the new generation
doo da dat datt ting!
jazz and sex and money
sometimes you have one, but sometimes
you have all 3
BOP BOP ah doo wah
we new artists have a new style
unpredictability
what is old is gone and what is
now
won't be forever
but it's now we are forever in
rat a tat tat doo de dum dum
a joint and a dollar will get me
through the evening
end up fucked in a taxi cab
and all things will make sense.
do be doo wah BOP

fml

Today, one of my thesis advisors told me, essentially, that my topic was crap and I should consider getting a new advisor. fml.

fear & opportunity

So... I did it! I actually got it! An internship, I mean. The thing that I told myself would actually make me feel like a college student who is going to graduate and then make it in life. And I do feel like that. I'm FREAKING OUT actually. And I have a grant so I won't have to work otherwise (yay!).
I'm working at the National Endowment for the Arts in their communications office from the end of may until the end of july. Pretty crazy. And I'm super stoked! I mean, its the mother of all non profit arts organizations in the US so thats pretty freakin awesome for someone who wants to get into that world (aka me).
I'm also, now that everything is final, doing the thing where I get INCREDIBLY SCARED about how things will be. It will be my first summer away from home. I guess I am away from home most of the time, since I technically live in Maryland at school, but this will be my first long vacation away. Its weird I guess. I knew this would have to happen someday - I'd have to grow up. And part of me is really excited to do that, and the other part is very nervous about it. Am I going to miss my family too much? Am I going to be happy? What about seeing my friends? I keep experiencing these weird ups and downs because of it.
I knew - in a weird way, I knew - when I read about the internship on our college website, that it would be the perfect fit for me. The lady who contacted the school is actually an alumni, so I'm assuming she put in a good word. I got the email in February, but I didn't do anything about it until early April, when I was getting desperate. I didn't do anything about it because I was scared to apply and possibly get in, and then be so far away from everything.
I'm extremely scared about many things as a person, but one of the biggest ones is growing up. Not becoming mature (in a sense, I already have alot of that) but becoming self-sufficient. It goes back to my overwhelming fear and hatred of failure, and living/breathing/working on my own requires alot, and I'm afraid I won't be good at it. I won't be able to handle it. I'll fail.
It seems silly, really, to be afraid of such a thing. But I truly am.

right between the ribs, you'll feel it then

and when you finally realize
that I'm the best thing you'll never have
you call me back...

So here's whats happened in the past 24+ hours. I've officially lost my voice. I feel very awful because I'm sick but also, on top of that, because its "that time of the month." I got offered an internship at the National Endowment for the Arts in DC (yay!) but I have to hear from SJF about a grant in order to do it (boo!). Also, I have to decide if it is really the right choice. And, if the place in provincetown doesn't call back, then I really think it is. I'm afraid of going forward I think, and thats what holds me back in alot of areas. Because I know that I'll miss my friends and miss my family and I'll have to be away from them - but I also know that an internship in DC has been one of my dreams from the start and I shouldn't throw it away just because I'm scared. It could lead to a job in Boston, no? And then I would be home!
Oh, and the icing on the cake just had to be when a certain someone texted me "I think we should talk." Um. Why? I think that was my biggest question. But oh - we talked! And by that I mean, he called and "apologized" and went on to justify all his actions and all I could say was "um" or "ok" or "really, why are we having this conversation?" Probably the stupidest 15 minutes of my life. I felt like I was supposed to say "No, its ok.. don't worry, you did the right thing. I still think you're a good person." But all I could say was, "No, I don't want to be friends. You hurt me. Thats how things happen sometimes. Is that all?" Oh. My. Goodness.
So anyways, I think my non-voice and I will take a day off from talking - out of necessity, really - and enjoy the silence.

Liar, liar
You're such a great big liar
With the tallest tales that I have ever heard
Fire, fire
You set my soul on fire
Laughing in the corner as it burns
Right between the ribs is sinking in

Oh, the sirens sing so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

Sick and tired of this mad desire
Fluttering aside me like a hawk
Wire wire
Got my hands on wires
Will heaven help you when I get them out?

Right between the ribs
You'll feel it then

The sirens sang so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

All the ships go down
Following the sound
All the ships go down

Oh oh the siren sang so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh oh oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown

r-e-s-p-e-c-t

So, yesterday, I did what I normally tend to do since I'm really the Absent Minded Professor in disguise. Yes, thats right, I left something somewhere. Actually, it was my sketchbook with the painting I had sketched for my American Pictures class, along with my notebook for my Museum Studies class with all my reading notes that we have to turn in at the end of the semester. They are now the property of the Smithsonian Museum of American Art and Portraiture and are probably residing in the dumpster. C'est la vie. (Last year, I would have definitely been pissed. But this time I really didn't care. Its good to be in that mood sometimes...)
I spent Easter with my grandpa and my aunt (my dad's side of the family) and though the food was wonderful, I had forgotten what the conversation could be like. Let me start by saying this - if you can't make a logical argument and if you don't know anything about politics or the world at large don't even attempt to open your mouth. Also, if you are inept at sarcasm - stay quiet! They will eat you alive. Good thing this smiling face isn't always pure and innocent.
So anyways - they're talking, and I'm trying to contribute. But the thing is - I forgot this (and since I dont' see them very often, I tend to forget it) - I don't think that they think of me as very intelligent. Sure, I'm smart. But I'm artsy fartsy and full of emotions and really more of my mother's daughter anyway, minus the fact that I look exactly like my grandma (may she rest in peace). And it really frustrates me because, well, I am smart. And quite able to take part in "adult" conversation. Really.
I guess its a problem I have with alot of people. They don't seem to take me seriously. I mean, they say they do. But their actions tell me they really don't. My boyfriends have never taken me seriously, I'm sure some of my friends don't take me seriously, sometimes I think my own parents don't take me seriously. I'm sure my advisor, Dr. Gillin, really thinks I'm a kook. Although he wrote me an amazing recommendation letter so maybe he knows otherwise.
Maybe it annoys me because I feel like I have never earned my grandpa or my aunt's respect. I mean, I know they love me - they're family that way - but I'm not sure if they really respect who I am. And its frustrating when someone that close to you doesn't even know you who are.
At any rate, its Easter evening and, thanks for family, I will overdose on chocolate rabbit.

i got love for etta james

So you told all the boys that you were gonna take me out

Ya even ya even had the nerve to make a bet a yes you did
That I, I would give in all of my love you would win
But you haven't, you haven't won it yet
You took me for a pushover
Oh you thought I was a push over
Wo I'm not a push over
You thought my love was easy to get

All of the girls think you're fine
They even call ya Romeo
Ya got 'em, yeah you got 'em runnin' to and fro
Yes ya have
But I don't want a one night thrill
I want a love that's for real
And I can tell by your line, your's is not the lasting kind

You took me for a push over
Oh you thought I was a push over
Whoa I'm not a push over
You thought that you could change my mind
your temptin' lips (m m hm) your way hair (oh yeah)
your pretty eyes with that (ahhhhhhh) come hither stare
It makes me weak and I, I start to bend
and then I stop and think again
no (no), no (no), no don't let yourself go

I hate to spoil your reputation
I want true love not an imitation
And I'm hip to every word in your conversation

Who took me for a -- push over
Whoa I'm not a -- push over
Whoa you thought I was a -- push over
Whoa you can't (push me over)
Nobody is gonna (push me over)
Oh you're not man enough to (push me over)
(fade) Everybody thought you was gonna (push me over)

lindsay

Sooo this week was definitely one of the longest weeks of my life. Between the hells of tech week, trying to figure out my thesis, a general feeling of exhaustion and the normal school routine, I can definitely say I'm glad its over.
Although, also, in a way, I'm not.
This play, Some Girl(s) by Neil Labute, has been one of the best shows I have ever been a part of, and one of my best in acting. And I was so nervous! I mean, I'm nervous anyway, but I really was nervous about this because everyone else in the show was absolutely amazing! Each person brought something special to their character, which made the whole stage light up! Both nights, the audience clapped at the end of every scene!
I got the biggest compliment, though, from one of my friends. She said, "It wasn't even you on stage! I mean... it was you, but not. Ya know?"
Yeah, I knew exactly what she meant. :-)

I have grown so much since sophomore year, the last time I was on stage. I used too much of myself back then. I was so insecure that it was the only way I could get in touch with a character, but it wasn't the best way, or the healthiest I'm sure. Now, I'm much more secure in who I am to know who I'm not. And this character definitely did not have much of me, but I was still able to become her - to see the world through her eyes, and respond and think as if I was her, not me.
But I still am me. I didn't lose anything in the process. In fact, I gained something. Alot of something. Alot of knowledge about the world, about relationships, about confidence. Just... alot.
If that makes any sense at all... then you've probably been awake for as many consecutive hours as I have!