When you find out you still love someone, there are usually two options:
1.) Drive it way back deep down there and out of your life - painful but more practical considering the circumstances. It involves lots of something that keeps you active and actively not thinking - ie working out with lots of kelly clarkson music, spending all your money, and checking out other guys more than you already do.
Or there's
2.) Putting all your hopes and fears on the line and doing the stupid but incredibly romantic things those hollywood hunks do onscreen - driving to their house at night, throwing a rock at the window, and proclaiming your undying love and dedication to so and so.
Option 1 doesn't require any sacrifice in pride or dignity and is therefore less scary, but it also leaves the hateful "wiggle room" which, two months later, still leaves you awake at night wondering "could we have made it?"
Option 2 is scarier because its you out in the open - skin, bones and blemishes - and if it fails, it probably hurts more emotionally. However, you'll never be left asking, "what if?"
Everything is, however, all in your mind anyway, so even making a decision to either choose option 1 or 2 seems foolish if the other party is so over you like joan rivers is so over what they wore last year to the oscars. I mean honestly, that orange is soo not "in" anymore... And anyway, what good is it going to do you, still thinking about him at this point? Are you that much of an emotional masochist? Or do you really just hate being single? Or are you one of those people who can't "let go" the way everybody else is able to?
Or... and this is your worst fear ever... you really miss him. Not the boyfriend. Not the kisser. Not the guy who paid for dinners or the guy who bought you presents or the guy who ran up your phone bill so that you had to switch to a new one just to talk as long as you wanted. You miss the guy. The actual person. The one who made you smile even when he was being a huge dork. The voice who always calmed you down when you were freaking out. Sure, sometimes he managed to royally piss you off and frustrate you so that you wanted to tear his leg hair out strand by strand... but it made you feel alive. You knew that his common sense grounded your head in the clouds. His goal-setting encouraged you to reach yours. His logical thinking counterracted your scatter-brained responses to life. He made you feel like a princess and you, you thought you made him feel loved.
Apparently you were wrong.
And its not like you need him in your life. You know you don't. Life goes on... always. But you find that you really, really want him in your life. The kicker is you know you can't be selfish - if he doesn't want the same thing, then goodbye moon.
When you find out you still love someone,
you just might explode.
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Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Sarah McLachlan - Answer
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