I dislike New Years almost as much as I dislike Halloween.
Not to say that I don't love getting dressed up to the nine's and drinking like I'm still a sophomore, but to me, the holidays are usually like bad sex with a hot guy. So much potential, so much hype, and yet they never deliver.
Of course, this year's Halloween was one of the worst, compounded by the fact that the night before I had rounds until 4:30 am. So, on Halloween, after I dressed up as Disco Barbie in amazing ultra-shiny I heart the 80s esque hot pink leggings I had discovered in costumes, and had taken a few shots, I ended up in tears outside the party holding my corona like it was my first born as a giant gay Australian man dressed as Lady Gaga from the VMAs (complete with the fake blood) gave me a pep talk on life and boys and whatever else as he chain smoked in my face.
So fast forward - here we are at the start of a new year. Most of the time, I'm excited for it. This year, not so much. I don't want to think about where I'm going to be when I graduate, or where everyone else is going to be, or how I'm going to pay for anything, or how disappointed I'm going to be in myself if I have to move back home, or how ridiculous I'll feel if I graduate with honors and still can't get a job, or.... etc. The future is why I tend to drink, not the past.
It is also a weird New Years because its transition time, and I'm not good with transitions. My friends who I've known forever are making new friends and making new lives for themselves and coming home just puts me in that 4th wheel position you hate to be in. Its also weird to think that this new years might be the last for me in good ol' Portsmouth. I love it here - I've known it for so long, but I just know that I won't be back for awhile once I get there. Wherever there is.
Do you ever feel that way? That everything around you is just holding you back from something and you have to let it go? That no matter how much you love people, or a place, it is never going to be yours?
I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe its the holiday mimosa's talking. But its the feeling I keep getting, whenever I'm home, and it only gets stronger.
Letting go is painful. New beginnings are hard. And 2010 is going to be much harder than 2009, I can assure myself of that.
And as I sit here, watching a beautiful wintery snow fall on the ground, I find myself thinking, "Damn, if it falls any faster there goes any plans of seeing the fireworks downtown because Lord knows my car isn't made for that" but also, "Man, I wish I could balance my life like snow - be chaotic and peaceful simultaneously...."
Maybe this year will be as unpredictable and as beautiful as a snow fall. Maybe, even though the difficult and unexpected might happen, there will still be something wonderful to enjoy. Maybe new places won't be so bad.
So here's to a new year - raise your glass and know that, although your new years eve might not be all you want it to (especially if Mum keeps serving Uncle Jack mimosa's), the year will surely be more than you ever expected.
