my own worst enemy

Some people like to make things more complicated than they actually are. I am one of those people. Some people do not like to settle for the truth in front of them. I am also one of those people. Some people like to whine about their problems, which continue to be the same since they refuse to accept the truth and make things complicated.
In all of my whining and soul searching and trying-to-figure-out-exactly-what-that-conversation-could-mean rants, I've discovered over and over again that Occam's Razor is right: the simplest explanation is most commonly the correct one.
Usually these things become clear after certain intense moments of confusion and doubt where I struggle to get a solid thought in edgewise as my brain and heart spin out of control. Usually, during these times, I make bad decisions.
I wish I could be one of those people who could see the truth and accept it on principle. So many times, I don't want to do that. I want to change it. I want to change me. I want to change someone else. I think things would be a lot less harder if I was capable of looking at the hard answer, the simple answer, the true answer, and living by it.

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.
- Winston Churchill

Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.

change begets change

So, yesterday I drove about 8 hours with a ghetto plug-in fan as an a/c replacement. Not the coldest, I'll tell ya. This morning, after waking up again after waking up at 6:30 am because I thought it was 10 am because it was so bright out, I finally got on the road again only to discover that D&D had not put cream cheese on my bagel and, when eating my granola bar instead, chunks of granola fell down my cleavage, which I would discover later when I finally took a shower....

All that to say, it is so good to be home! Its only for a short while, but I plan on enjoying every minute of it! I got some quality RC time last night and hopefully I'll get to see a little bit of everyone before I leave.

I'm a little nervous, about everything, to say the least. Home is always different than I expect; I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be away from it for so long. Everything seems to point to this internship though - considering I was rejected from everything else I applied to - no joke! And its always been my dream to be in DC... I guess it is true - be careful what you wish for.

I feel like I'm no good at dealing with change, and yet I'm a person of almost constant motion. It really freaks me out when I see other people changing. RC is graduating a year early and moving to Dover, my little brother is going to college, Samantha is engaged... people's lives seem to be going in so many different directions it makes me dizzy. I wish I knew what direction I was going in, but most times I throw caution to the wind and let life hit me with it. I don't know what I want to do, specifically - I only know who I want to be.

I love being home and seeing more people I love being with. I also hate coming back to places where there are leftovers. I had enough of that in maryland and now its here.
I debate with myself about whether I move alot to run away, or if I am just a naturally restless person. I think it is a little of both. In the past, my insecurity caused me to run, it was the only way I could deal with things. Now, I just think I haven't found what I'm looking for, to quote U2. I don't know if a place will make me settle down; I believe it will be a person.

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
There's a part of me in chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot
Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet-tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
Change of heart comes slow..

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Divination that will listen to your boys and girls
Is the sweetest melody the one we haven't heard?
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear
But change of heart comes slow...

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
You see for me I've been shoutin
But we're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Ha, ha, haIt's not a hill it's a mountain
You see for me I've been shouting
Let's shout until the darkness, squeeze out sparks of light
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy, if we don't go crazy tonight

she dreams in color, she dreams in broken sentences

running.
fast.
running.
there were wolves.
no.
I am the wolf.
or am I all of them?
no.
just one.
me.
running.
running away.
something is following so
no more thinking
just urgency
and running.
trees, bushes, leaves,
leaves on the ground -
could I hide there?
hide till things passed by... -
no time, keep going.
what is chasing me?
no time, keep running.
feel the distance, maybe I
can make it but
up ahead - a fence!
stuck.
where to hide?
turn around.
the others are not fast enough.
they are caught.
what will I do?
panic. search. hole.
hole!
crawl inside.

I hear the foosteps. barely breathing.
no sound here.
will they find me?

wake up.

21

some days go by, i wish i was famous
or maybe religious, so i could go to heaven
just like you
i can have a big house, complain about taxes
payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
no one makes fun of me, cause i can't stand up for myself

whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
guess today's gonna blow us away

i've got a girlfriend
she tells me she needs me
and she loves me
we'll probably get married
oh no, and everyone will bit their tongues so hard they'll bleed

when mom hears this song
she'll tell me im crazy
and she'll say to me
"son you're much too young, go have some fun don't waste your youth like i did"

and whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away

and it's been autumn since the day that i met you
if i had bottomed must i crawl out alone
and i dont wish to know the secrets of summer at all

and whoa, 21 and invincible
whoa, can't wait to fuck this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away